What do you want?…

… not quite the same as saying ‘Aap chahti kya hain?”

Saying something in an alien language never quite sounds the same as saying something in your mother tongue, or in any language that you revere as yours. And in a way, for me, despite years of practice, English seems alien. For instance, any abuse in English just passes by, but each Hindi gaali pinches and punches and punctures the eardrums, even if the two words/phrases in both the languages might mean the same thing.

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I had this conversation a while back on the phone where the protagonist (no, not me), delivered an impassioned monologue to the bad person (obviously, me), where they invoked the cliches and the fact that it would be silly to expect me, of all people, to be able to judge between right and wrong. (Fair enough!) The content itself is not worth the mention, but what was intriguing was before they started, they asked if they could talk to me in Hindi. I agreed.

I remember quite a lot the conversation, but the one thing that stuck by with a vengeance, was the question, “Aap chahti kya hain?”.  It was said with an air of condescension,  with judgement hidden behind the layers of politeness (of the address ‘aap‘), something Hindi allows more than English. As it went on, the condescension, the judgment, the misogyny, the dismissal and as I winced at each one of the words told and simultaneously furiously attempted to drift off, I realized why I don’t communicate in Hindi anymore and why I don’t want to either.  It’s too personal, hits too close to home, and breaches the carefully constructed facade.

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So yeah, to let you know, while I adore the hook, I do tend to whisper a little gently when the hum the chorus of the D.K Bose song comes about. Much more than Alice.

 

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